Having trouble getting a sound sleep from the past few days…or weeks. Started feeling there is nothing so important to wake up for..maybe that’s why having difficulty sleeping in the first place. Anyway, yesterday when I woke up middle of the night I was thinking about the place I lived in as a kid. Recalling certain memories of when I was 8 or 9 years old. They are scattered memories…
But when ever I think that place I feel sort of a fear in my mind and heart. Not quite sure why. I spent 0-10 years there.
I remember the friends I had there. Names and faces. Maybe not all but the ones I spent most of the time with. We lived on the first floor. Flat number was 123! It was right in front of the elevator. I remember that mostly I used to use the elevator and avoid the stairs as there used to be this small dog in one of the neighbor’s house…that I was scared of. But I have a memory where I sort of slipped and roll down the steps…ouch it must have hurt..I got up and just went back home maybe…can’t recall.
Downstairs that is as we entered the main door but before the entrance of the building there was a muddy playground with swings. A slide, a swing where 4 people could sit together….maybe a few more…can’t remember exactly. On the other side of the building too there were swings. But we did not go there often as it was a bit away from the side where our flat was. I remember one day when I did go there with a friend..can’t remember who she was…there were group of kids there who bullied us. They told both of us to raise our arms and stand until they allow us to leave. After sometime they allowed the girl with me to go and man..I remember she ran away! hehe..did not even wait for me to be freed! They did let me go to after sometime. I don’t remember after that.
Then I remember the front side or the opposite side of it there was a huge sandy area..during rainy season it would become a pool! 🙂 So the kids would play near it…in it…ewww right? 🙂 Within the building there were two grounds. One where adults use to play badminton and other one was for table tennis. This place was also where during Dhul Hijjah everyone would tie up the goats to be slaughtered on Eid Day. It was so much fun…so many goats…children would be happy feeding the animals.
In the same place we used to play Hopscotch! I still remember that spot. Kids without much to worry about…
I remember one day I went to the supermarket all by myself. I think either I had just one dirham or five dirhams. I think I was upset with my mom. So maybe in anger I went. I felt a bit scared but on the way back I felt proud of myself. Don’t exactly remember as to how my mom must have reacted. 🙂
At night I used to go for a walk with my parents alongside one of the roads near my building. It was simply desert….after we shifted slowly more buildings constructed there. It became an unrecognizable area! Sadly.
My siblings and I used to go along with our mom to the shops near by. I remember one restaurant or cafeteria there from where we used to buy TASTY Pakora (fried snack) 🙂
Sometimes in the evening we used to walk to a center and a plaza near by. I can see myself walking along with my mom and siblings even now…I don’t know where those days went…
There were some unpleasant memories too but I don’t want to write about those.
After we shifted here I used to dream about that place a lot. I don’t know why I used to be afraid in dreams. One dream used to come very often just few years ago it stopped. I don’t know what it meant. In the dream there was this bald man who would follow me….I would see him running behind me…it was the same thing I would see over and over again..even the place was same. I would see myself turning back and looking at him and running…then I would wake up. I would also dream walking alone on the roads at night and feeling very scared.
I would like to go to that place again and taking a walk around the area. To recall those childhood days. I have been there over the years but not seen the place where we lived. Just wanted to share these memories…so that even I don’t forget those days…being a grown up is not as fun as it seems. 😦
I miss my mom terribly….I miss her so much that my heart aches. I miss her more with every passing day.The pain of losing her will never go away. Need her by my side everyday…feel that she was the one who would understand me…would support me today when I’m all alone. I have so much to talk to her about…to ask her about…but here I’m…alone.
© Outspoken Hijabi